I was thinking today about the culmination of things that had to work out perfectly for me to be diagnosed with cancer at this time.  For these things, I am thankful.  At the time, however, these things that I’m now thankful for didn’t seem like a blessing.  For example, I wanted to breastfeed my kids.  I tried and tried and tried to get Jameson to latch, but it just wouldn’t work.  So, I ended up purchasing a breast pump and I pumped, at first, 6-7 times a day, so Jameson would receive the benefits of breast milk.  Do you know what a pain in the ass it to be tied to a breast pump for 6 months?!!  Have you ever heard the noise that a breast pump makes?  I used to make up words of what the pump would be saying to me rhythmically……red-rum, red-rum, red-rum!!!

With Chase and Cameron, I also tried to get them to latch, although I wasn’t as neurotic about it as I was with Jameson since I already had a “pumping routine”.  I also pumped for 6 months with Chase and I made it almost 3 with Cam.  I have 2 things to be thankful for here:  Thank goodness I decided to breastfeed.  If I hadn’t, I never would have known that there was a problem.  If my kids did latch, I never would have known how very little milk I was expressing through my left breast.  I could have gone on for years without knowing that I had a problem.  My prognosis would be much, much worse.

Next, I had a miscarriage in between Chase and Cameron.  This seemed like the worse thing in the world when it happened.  If I did, indeed, carry normally 3 years ago, Sal and I would have been finished having kids and Cameron never would have been born.  The cancer might not have been detected this early on, either.  Remember, the type of cancer that I have was fueled by estrogen.  The timing for diagnosis had to be almost perfect, it seems.

I’m also thankful that I didn’t visit my cousin’s office at the beginning of my pregnancy for 2 reasons.  Number one:  what if my cousin wasn’t able to detect it?   Imagine being a family member and having to carry around the burden of missing something.  My poor cousin felt awful being the one to break the diagnosis to us.  I put myself in his shoes and think about how terrible it must have been for him to be the one to say, “I’m so sorry, Barb, but it’s cancer.”   Number two:  the cancer in my right breast is a different type of cancer from my left breast and it’s in the very early stages.  What if this went undetected?  Again, I could have gone on for years without knowing some of this.

My point is this:  there is always plenty to be thankful for.  We might just not know it at the time.  Sometimes we think we know what we want or how things should be, but there seems to be a greater purpose for all of us.  I’m really trying to go with the flow, having faith and confidence that everything will work out the way that’s it’s supposed to.

Garth Brooks’ lyrics make a lot of sense:

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers

Remember when you’re talkin’ to the man upstairs

That just because he doesn’t answer doesn’t mean he don’t care

Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

I also discovered through all of this that I enjoy writing so thanks for reading!

LIVESTRONG and God Bless!