This August, I’m crying because I’m happy.

I asked Sal to take that picture of me on Monday night – August 5, 2013.  Monday was a sort-of whirlwind day.  I know, they’re all whirlwind days!  Hang on.  Before you keep reading this, let me preface this paragraph with the following – there is a happy ending.  Sorry, Linds and Kate!  Great seeing both of you, by the way.  Anyway, as I’ve mentioned before, I’ve had a cough for months.  It comes and goes.  Sometimes it lasts all day long, sometimes it doesn’t.  I can’t say if it started with radiation because I started radiation with a chest cold.  All I know is it really seems as though I’ve had a cough, off and on, for months.  On July 26, the day after Chase’s birthday, I expectorated a little bit of blood while I was in the shower- a tiny drop of blood – that probably came from my sinuses.  I don’t even know how to really explain it.  It freaked me out enough, though, to say, “Enough’s enough with this freaking cough.”  Is it my sinuses?  Is it acid reflux?  Is it a side effect from radiation?  Is it breast cancer metastasized to my lungs????  So, Dr. Saidman sent me for a chest CT without contrast.  I can’t tell you just how kind his office staff is.  Jill, one of his receptionists, got the test approved by my insurance company immediately, got me in for the test right away, put the order in as STAT, and had doc’s nurse practitioner, Priscilla, call me back in about an hour with the results – everything looks normal.  Good news!  My lungs are crystal clear.  The cough is probably a side effect from radiation.  Oh, and there are 2 nodules on my lung.  Ok, thanks.  Wait.  2 nodules on my lung??  What?? Priscilla and Dr. Saidman both reviewed the scan and couldn’t even see the nodules.  Ok.  But, wait…….

So, we celebrated Chase’s birthday with family and friends on both Saturday and Sunday.  On Monday, I called Dr. Peters, my radiation oncologist, to get his thoughts.  I wanted him to review the CT scan, also, to see why I’m coughing.  Dr. Peters was on vacation until this past Monday but his staff is also super nice.  The receptionist said that any doctor there would be happy to see me but I told her that I’d wait until Dr. Peters returned.  Sal and I both really like him.  So, Dr. Peters showed us the scans.  Dr. Peters wasn’t able to see the nodules, either, but reviewed the report with us.  As it turns out, the nodules are on my right lung, not my left lung – my left side was radiated, not my right.  I’m so glad that Sal and I weren’t aware of this for a week because both of us would have been freaking out with a capital F!  But, Dr. Peters reassured us that these nodules are most likely nothing being that they’re only 2-3 millimeters.  If he were to put a healthy person on the scan table, and by healthy I mean a person without a history of cancer, he or she would probably have a nodule here or there, too.  Thankfully, Dr. Peters is as anal as we are!  He’s very friendly with my cousin’s husband, John, who is a radiologist so he decided to ask John to take a look.  John is awesome, by the way, and so is my cousin, Katie!  Anyway, John was kind enough to take a look at the CT.  After some back and forth with the local hospital – don’t even get me started – I obtained a high resolution CD of a chest CT that I had back in 2007, the most recent CT, and also gave John a copy of my most recent PET Scan from December 2012 – two out of three in high res.  This is why Priscilla, Dr. Saidman, and Dr. Peters were unable to see the nodules.  They’re so small that they can only be seen in high res or by the very keen eye of a radiologist since they’re so small.  One of the nodules has been there since 2007 and the other nodule might have been there but high res wasn’t available back in 2007.  So, to make a long story short, one nodule is stable and we’ll take another look at the other one in 3-6 months.  Still, it’s highly unlikely that the other nodule is to be of any concern.

Whoa!  That was quite a story to basically tell you the following:  I hesitate as I write this because I don’t want to jinx it.  Unless I’m symptomatic, I do not need another PET Scan – hopefully, ever.  The CT scan that was done on July 26 actually shows a clearer, more precise, more specific picture of where cancer used to live inside of me.  The CT scan showed my chest, both sides, which looks normal, my lymph nodes which look normal, my lungs which look normal, and my liver which looks normal.  My tumor markers are within normal limits.  You see what I’m getting at?

I hope and pray every single day that I’m finished with cancer forever.  I hate these tests and the anxiety that goes along with them.  I understand why physicians won’t put their patients through yearly PET Scans and why they won’t run tumor markers.  Cancer patients would be spending their lives with their stomach in knots – and usually for no reason.  So, I’ve decided this – I would like Dr. Saidman to follow my tumor markers but I don’t want to know the results.  I’m going to talk to him about this in September at my next appointment.  I’ll probably have a repeat CT scan at the end of October to see if the 2mm nodule is gone, stayed the same, or God forbid, has grown – which, again, is highly unlikely.

After Tuesday, I started thinking about the chance of recurrence.  I’m not going to lie, I’ve thought about that every day since I was diagnosed last August.  It’s not consuming my life.  I’m living life to the fullest, trust me.  But, it’s a really crappy feeling to keep wondering every time I get a headache, or a back ache or a cough.  I’m not a hypochondriac but the first thing that my mind goes towards is cancer and what if.  I can handle anything.  I really can.  I’m tough.  I just don’t want to put my husband, my kids, or my family and friends through this again.  It’s been a nutty year.  This is just speculation – and a shitty speculation that I hope never, ever, ever happens – I can keep on fighting forever but if cancer were to ever consume our lives together, as a family, then that’s when it would become time to throw in the towel.  Sal, Jameson, Chase and Cameron deserve a normal life without a sick person holding them back from living it.  I never, ever want to be a burden.  I tried my damnedest not to trouble anyone this year and don’t ever want to feel like that again.  I’m not sure if I wrote about this in July but when we were at the beach at the end of June, I saw a very frail young woman following her little kids around on the beach.  She had a head scarf on and looked really pale.  She was obviously sick.  My heart broke for her.  I never want to be that person.  I vowed that I would never look or act sick and would sooner die before cancer would ever make me break my promise to myself.  Fuck you, cancer.  You will never take my dignity.

I’ve been spending a good deal of time lately organizing my pink binder – my binder filled with cancer stuff – path reports, genetic testing, ultrasounds, x-rays, PET Scans, CT scans, mammograms, insurance information, bloodwork, etc. etc. etc.  Going through this stuff still makes me shudder.  I had bilateral breast cancer that was very aggressive.  I’m lucky to be alive.  I just want all of this crap put away and only visible when I’m at a follow-up appointment.  The color pink and ribbons make me want to vomit!  Not really.  I’m being dramatic!  You get the point, though.

I wanted to let all of you know that I’ve also been taking some time to re-read all of the cards that have been sent to me.  To be honest, I feel as though I’m reading each one for the first time.  I don’t remember too much about last year.  Maybe that was my brain’s way of coping with what happened.  Your kind words and thoughtfulness really do mean so much to me.  I can’t tell you how humbled I am to know that you’ve taken the time out of your lives to think of me and my family.

Just a reminder:  I’ve registered a team for Scranton’s Susan G. Komen walk which will take place on Saturday, September 21.  I’ve decided to participate in this race because it’s fun.  If you are able to participate, I’d love to walk with you.  As a side note, I think that the Komen Foundation is great for a lot of reasons.  I believe that Susan G. Komen is the reason that breast cancer is one of the most recognized and researched types of diseases.  However, in this day and age, only 25% of the money raised from the Komen walk goes to research.  My goal is to set up my own non-profit where the majority of money raised will go directly to breast cancer research.  If you want to walk with Barb’s Army, I’d love to have you on my team.  I’m not telling you what to do, but please don’t donate to Komen on my account.  For me, research is the most important aspect in all of this.  It’s how advances are made.

http://www.komennepa.org/komen-race-for-the-cure/teams/

Sal and I will host everyone on Barb’s Army at our house for a very laid-back brunch after the race.  Team t-shirts will also be made.  Our friends, Adrian and Maudeen, at Mad Tees will be printing this year’s shirts for us.  The deadline to order is September 3.  If you’re interested in one of this year’s shirts, please e-mail me as soon as you can (barb6438@yahoo.com).

“If you get caught up in the worst case scenario and it doesn’t happen you’ve wasted your time.  If you get caught up in the worst case scenario and it does happen you’ve lived it twice.”    – Michael J. Fox

Have an awesome weekend!  LIVESTRONG and God Bless!